From Ban Bangbao to Ko Wai

In which Paradise has vacancies. 

Starring thonged Russians and a fisherman with murderous intent

From Chiang Mai to Ban Bangbao

In which the police fail us, we find ourselves unable to pay for dinner and my filthy travel towel is stolen

Starring drunk tattooed French terrorism enthusiasts 

To Burma and back

In which we nearly go to three countries in one day, but in the end, I can’t be bothered and there is a traumatic incident with a rat.

Starring Nancy the comedienne who kept us all to time and convict masseurs.

Chiang Mai to Pai

In which tea is boiled in a bamboo kettle and we give up on Western food.

Starring a dead dog that Abby got attached to.

Chiang Mai

In which all the dogs wear jumpers, yet another toilet explodes and we have two Thai Bastards

Starring some students who wanted to interview us and a man who sketches on his iPad.

Kuala Lumpur Part III

In which it becomes clear that one size does not fit all

Starring some American boys who learnt the virtues of marmite

Kuala Lumpur Part II

In which we go on the craziest taxi journey of our lives

Starring DJ ‘Stella Nutella’

  

Kota Kinabalu II and Mantanani Island

In which some boys try to steal our fire and I rip up a terrible batik

Starring Sprout who is dramatically injured in battle

To Tawau and back again

In which the Indonesian Embassy run out of stickers

Starring Noel who didn’t really know anyone after all and Chris who kept mysteriously reappearing.

Sepilok to Semporna and Mabul

In which a living room is mistaken for a café and Jo’s flipflops go for a walk

Starring Jon, the only Malaysian who can speak Afrikaans and Cody the mask(ed) hero

Sandakan to Sepilok

In which Jo gets a hand holding offer on the bus and Cath is robbed in the night.  

Starring Orang-utans who bring their own umbrellas and a boy with a cardboard box full of  kittens

From Kota Kinabalu to Sandakan

In which I nearly wash my hands in the soup

Starring Adnessa who saved us from the rain

Kota Kinabalu to the Kinabantangan River

In which we get stuck in the mud and go adrift on a river of mosquitoes

Starring monkeys that catch crabs with their tails

Kota Kinabalu

In which we eat more seafood than is strictly healthy and spend too many nights listening to bad bands.

Starring Mr Ben, the hee-haw man and Phineas Fogg

Melaka to Singapore

In which we stay in a pigsty

Starring two Australian naval officers who had an unfortunate but unsurprising fireworks accident

Kuala Lumpur to Melaka

In which we are invited to dance by a man in camouflage trousers.

Starring Master Ho, a Kungfu genius who punched his index finger through a coconut, Mr Universe and two quantum physicists (theoretical).

Penang to Kuala Lumpur

In which we do some serious glampacking at the Sheraton and Cath gets cake for her birthday (against all the odds)

Starring two crazy New Yorkers and a cab driver who doesn't allow kissing

Langkawi to Penang

In which a bus goes on diversion to take me to my stop

Starring a Malaysian cowboy and his hotpant-ed girlfriend.

Krabi to Langkawi

In which I overstay my welcome in Thailand

Starring a one armed plant pot and a Saudi Arabian in a Hawaiian suit

Koh Phi Phi

In which we discover the best way to approach a sleeping shark and my Mom and I do the limbo under a burning pole

Starring Joey the RayBan wearing boatman who didn’t want to talk about the Tsunami.

Railay Beach, Krabi

In which ‘time for relax’ becomes a marketable itinerary item

Starring Tarzan: King of the Baboons

Khao Sok National Park

In which I share my bungalow with a bat and am attacked by a crab

Starring Pepsi, a dancing elephant who answered to his name and the world’s most well rocked baby

Bangkok

In which things go all ‘Hotel California’ and we’re grateful for lax safety legislation  


Starring my parents who exhaust me in a sightseeing frenzy and puppets that require three people to manoeuvre them.

Siem Reap

In which a bicycle tyre bursts and three pairs of shoes are sacrificed to the flood.

Starring a 22yr old marine with a keen sense of irony and a waitress who made no apologies to Vietnam.

Phnom Penh

In which we hear how an entire city was emptied in three days

Starring Abby Stables!

4000 Islands to Sihanoukville

In which the terrible, terrible waves, sink a boat.

Starring bare chested fire jugglers.

Vientiane to the 4000 Islands

In which I narrowly avoid getting a fine for illegal bicycle parking.

Starring an extremely shy American who might have thought I was stalking him.  

Luang Prabang to Vientiane

In which a toilet explodes

Starring no one in particular

Luang Prabang

In which I am compared (unfavourably) to an elephant

Starring Mayoung whose child I definitely wasn’t killing

Kunming to Luang Prabang

In which a tyre explodes and an elephant is narrowly missed

And starring a lawyer with very stinky feet

Tiger Leaping Gorge & Lijang

In which there is an itinerary mutiny.

Starring an orchestra who nap between songs.

Dali, Shaxi and Shangri-La

In which I become a tourist attraction.

Starring a little old lady who hands out pears that taste like apples.

Pingyao to Xian and then Kunming

In which muddy warriors are tirelessly resisted.

Starring an expert in Chinese Medicine who taught me how to say ‘I don’t understand’

Beijing to Pingyao

In which we learn that happiness comes before love.

Starring Anna Ergova, master tea buyer.

Ulaanbataar to Beijing

In which the entire train (with us in it) is lifted into the air

Starring a girl who had taught herself English

Irkutsk to Ulaanbataar

In which it takes 7 hours to travel 20kms

Starring a persistent temple keeper who demanded to see flesh

Irkutsk and Lake Baikal

In which we get whipped with birch leaves

Starring the Decembrist’s wives

Moscow to Irkutsk (The Trans-Siberian Railway)

In which we travel through time to have a beer

Starring a howling man from third class

Suzdal to Moscow

In which a coin is not a coin

Starring participants in the Kremlin International Queuing Competition. 

St Petersburg to Suzdal

In which the monks and nuns dig tunnels under the river to get at one another

And starring a deceased bee

St Petersburg Weddings

In which money litters the street

And starring meringue toting brides

Peterhof

In which no one is really tricked

And starring idiots

Helsinki to St Petersburg

In which a visit is made to a very posh prison and a boat engine catches fire.

And starring Anastasia and an extremely fat American

Tallinn to Helsinki

In which £9 is paid for a single glass of house wine

And starring a Finnish choir of 200 singers

Riga to Tallinn

In which a hotel lives up to its name

And starring Claire, Catherine and Jen

Vilnius to Riga

In which Poetic Roboticism is explained and some social flotsam washes up.

And starring Nicholaj whose name changed with independence and Rose an Olympic athlete who took part in the 1948 London Games.

 

Warsaw to Vilnius

In which a marching band refused to yield

And starring a man with an enormous pink bucket in the middle of a forest

Cologne to Warsaw

In which no corners are cut, leeches appear in tins and the water of St Stanislaus is tainted.

And starring three inflatable Smurfs and a racist Brit

Brussels to Cologne

In which Catherine comes to save me

Starring grumpy German cyclists

London to Brussels

In which a decision tree changes everything

Starring Catherine Potten, Rocky & Rudy!